Day 5: Yellow Flag- Im under Caution

12:30PM

Its Raining. Its been raining since 3 AM..I slept Dismally..woke up at midnight with a hangover and a stuffy nose...I'm a human barometer and since yesterday afternoon my sinus's have been telling me to "bring an umbrella" So i stumble over my cat Spirit (she is soo cute)

as I head to the bathroom and then downstairs for much needed water, 2 sinus pills and a tylenol PM...its gonna be a long night..


but i will be happy, I tell myself, if I wake up at 8am and don't have a hangover.
Well I woke up at 10am and..YEAH..no hangover ..just a little drowsy from the Tylenol..no biggie..mmmmcoffee..cant wait...

Sister calls...where's your blog??? ..we laugh cause i was a little too tipsy to blog last night..but its nice to know she is interested in what i have to say. Then another call...Not sooo good....from a Guy.."friend" who is notorious for making me crazy, as all my friends and family will attest too and will know exactly who it is I am speaking of.

I AM BEING TESTED

The universe is testing me...to see if I can hang on to that slippery and always evasive, POSITIVE feeling. I can feel the pressure now of wanting to revert back into the cave of misery and self pity so strongly I want to SCREAM obscenties to anyone who comes near and stomp my feet in a 12 year old temper tantrum the likes of which no exhausted Parent in Walmart at midnight has ever seen!

I am Angry...Angry at myself for being too weak to protect myself from what I know will harm me.

I am Angry...Angry at myself for thinking he will change.

I am Angry...Angry at myself for caring that he doesnt care.

I am Angry...Angry at myself for caring, Period!!

I am Angry....Angry at myself for being ANGRY!!!

When someone hurts my feelings, intentionally or unintentionally...I go from Zero to Angry in under 10 seconds..I am The Ferrari of Freak Out, The Porsche of Pissed if you willl. There is no in-between..I dont cry or whine first ..there is no revving of the engines...its just BAM ..Im at the checkered flag of the Angry 500 before anyone else has even gotten into 1st gear. This..IS NOT HEALTHY.

I need to give myself a YELLOW FLAG - Im Under Caution!

I will NOT BE ANGRY anymore...I have been angry since i was 13..and apparently it has become so much a party of my persona that people close to me will use that word.. ANGRY ( and other not so flattering ones)..to describe me to other people...I have been wearing that badge of ANGRY PERSON proudly for too long..

But I can tell you this...Im not so sure if ANGRY is a removable badge..or permanent tattoo...
I almost feel addicted to the adrenaline rush i get when I am angry...my heart beats fast and my brain goes into overdrive....I feel ALIVE...but in a really, really suffocating way. A way in which I feel that it's best that I am Alone. I WANT to be Alone...F-everybody else!!

It pains me to write and re-read these things..as I know ANGRY people..and I really dont like them. They are boring and self-absorbed...I dont want to be that. I feel bad for them as I think about the bad crap that must have happened to them to make them that way. Which leads me to my own conclusion that my own self-pity has made me this way. YUK!!!! Pathetic...NO More!!

So with ALL that being said...I am going to be POSITIVE and find a better way to deal with my hurt feelings and I am also going to try and stay away from the people who hurt me or atleast try to understand their shortcomings and not make them my own.

I am a work in progress...like all human beings on this planet..I am not Perfect but will try to remain Positive and continue to search out ways to improve on what I do have that is good and banish my bad habits and traits or at the very least identify them before they run me into a tight corner and I spin out on the marbles.

Its a Green Flag from here..

Until tomorrow ..Its All Good