"When I die, I hope I come back as one of your cats"
If there ever were a day my Princess Kitties could speak to me..this is what I would like to know...
To Clementine, the baby:
Are you smoking Crack????!!! You seem to be forgetting where your litter box is...Do i clean it too often...or not enough?...Is my carpet or my couch just easier on your kitty tush..or do you just like messing with me in the morning? Do you get your kitty kicks by seeing me crinkle my nose in disgust before I spot the little gift in the corner...oh and by the way, thanks for using the credit card bill I left on the floor as your own personal toilet...how apropos....i just wish I could have mailed that as payment in full!!! I also notice you tend to do these things RELIGIOUSLY when there are Men among us ( one at a time folks..men I mean) . I have to tell you...that really sucks. Are you jealous? Do I not get up fast enough when you start to cry incessantly outside my door at 6 AM, behaving like you haven't eaten in 3 months when you have been chowing down all night on the dry food I leave out for you!!! I know you have figured out how to open my bedroom door too..you just don't have the kitty balls to do it while I'm around..(just like the pooping thing) And whats with the Sigfried and Roy Act, you snuggle up right next to me and do that irresistible chirpy purring thing that you do and when i finally reach out to pet you ..you sink your kitty vampire fangs into my hand while your four paws make shredded pork out of my forearm!! Why do you do that? It must be in your nature...you truly are my little Tiger.
To Spirit, The Queen:
What happened to you in your life?? You are an old soul. I know you are a mommy..we have the same belly. Do you miss another family..or more than one? I know you must have been the Queen of Hearts in someones household because when you moved in here you certainly took over mine. Are you mad at me for taking out all your teeth?? Your tongue only sticks out a little bit and you can eat the crap out of that dry food now! I think I saw you put on 10 pounds in a week. I hope you adjusted to your weight gain..You look Fabulous!! Is that why you knead my stomach for 40 minutes before you finally settle in..and when i move you meowl (that is a growl and a meow) like I am putting You out!! Is that payback for the Gummy Smile? Were you a Kitty Entertainer like Morris The Cat or were you the pet of a circus performer..because whenever we have company ..you become the Kitty Klown!! Its not that I mind..but you kind of
bogart all of the attention with your performances...and of course you always have me mesmerized by how adorably Garfield-like your expressions can be.., do you read the comics when i leave the paper lying around on Sunday morning? Why do you get frustrated when i pick you up even though I know you don't like it? It doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it!!! Does that sound like any Kitties you know??
To both My Girls
Are you happy I adopted you?
Do you wish you were running free outside?
Do you think I understand you when you are Meowing at me?
Should I understand you?
Do you understand me?
Do you miss me when i go away on business?
Do you laugh at me behind my back when I am scooping your poop?
Do you like drinking out of the toilet? Is it fun..or is the water really better?
Does cat food really taste like Tuna/Chicken or Beef?
Do you really think I don't know when you are on my counter tops?
Do you understand what NO means?
Do you really hate each other or is that just sibling rivalry?
Don't you think you would prefer a bath rather than cleaning yourself in certain places with your own tongue?
Would you miss me if you had to live somewhere else?
Why wont you let me brush your beautiful fur?
Are fur balls or fur turds to be exact, enjoyable to puke up?
Why after 5 years are you just now starting to scratch on my furniture?
Why do you both smell each others butts? Its not like its going anywhere.
I LOVE my Girls...I wouldn't have them any other way...xoxoxoxo kitty love